On Art of Political Correctness in Campus

Mohammed Ammar Bin Yaser

Getting admitted to Karachi University as a regular student requires a lot of paper work. You submit papers; you get papers in return. You submit them again and get them back with seals and signatures. None of us are exempted from this excruciating trail of formalities. But the screeds of papers we trade with KU tell us very little about the place. There are things that we learn only by experience.

One such ‘private’ reality of our beloved university is the existence of political parties in campus. It is no secret that every department in the campus has its own share of political cadres, working to further their party’s interest. Here, I’ll shed some light on one particular gang whose fearful presence compels students to be political correct when taking part in various discourses, in class or otherwise. No matter how far you are from the word ‘politcs’, these men will stalk you, and expect you to fit their definition of a ‘proper Pakistani’.

For the benefit of the silent majority who find it difficult to tactfully explain away their friends or classmates of this kind, here are some words of wisdom they won’t find in any booklet or document they received from the university. They are learned only with time.

The first principle of being politically correct is ambiguity - you have to be vague. It’s essential. You should never ever take a clear stand on a radioactive political issue. Your views should be ‘custom-made’ catering to the listener, that is, the person you are talking to.

For example, you meet a scraggily breaded guy in your department, who, you know, belongs to the aforesaid breed. Shift your gear: greet him with an “Assalamualikum” the word should be drenched in an Arabic accent – throaty - the "Ain" should sound distinct and clear from rest of the syllables. It helps!

Try to strike a conversation, if you think he is staying with you for a few moments. You can ask the timing of Zuhr or lament about the brazen dress sense of girls in the department (even in Ramadan!). Obviously, you don’t have to be that direct, but at least make a face that communicates your dislike for them. It works!

Avoid local politics. Go international: dwell on safer grounds like America, Israel, Palestine, and Kashmir. It is recommended that you stir the conversation towards sports or other trivial subjects to play safe.

Our right-wing brothers are mostly unhappy about the state of affairs: the open mingling of the sexes and music. Share their worries; add some concocted anecdotes that help them reaffirm their views, help them prove how countless despicable social evils stem from such immoral trends, but don’t look desperate. That can be counter-productive. That might bring in an invitation to their regular ‘study sessions’ where they teach you how to be spotless and save the world. So don’t get carried away with your “concerns”, keep it light and you will be safe.

Try acting upon these ‘nuskhas’ and Allah will save you from His creepy custodians.

Trust me!